Reasons

First of all, I am not a blogger. I am appalled at the idea of making stupid random ideas connect to something that isn't a part of anything. I know, I know, that really doesn't make any sense, sue me. And that's my problem being a History major/English Creative Writing major at the University of Houston; apathy. Apathy is the killer of all sane thought; it kills ambition, drives you to do things that are stupid, like instead of doing that reading you know you should be doing, you sit down and play The Ballad of Gay Tony for "just a little bit" which turns into a four hour spree. Apathy, is a writer's worst nightmare. I was like this in high school, sometimes I am like this in college. Apathy is my number one flaw. And, I don't want to offend anyone, but I blame this partially on being raised in a Pentecostal Church. Now, I am not saying that I am not a Christian, but when hearing your whole life that your savior is coming back to "rapture" his children away, and the world will end in a spectacular way, as described in the book of Revelation, it doesn't imbibe you with a sense that anything you accomplish will ever be meaningful. Why worry about grades, why worry about the future, why worry about paying your bills or even food for that matter, if you're going to be whisked away at a moment's notice.

I still attend the same church I did as a little boy, and the congregation has not changed much over those years. They just keep climbing and climbing in age, with no one attending that is even remotely in my generation, excluding my girlfriend, my brother and my cousin. Lately I bring my course work in with me to do some reading while I am in attendance, my time being reduced to an hour and a half a week. When I think of apathy I think of my church and I think of my mother, whom I love very much. The more classes I attend at the University, the more I realize how apathetic members of my congregation are towards education, and learning. I can't talk about Literature with my mother, without her reading religion and God into a text that has nothing to do with either of those things. I don't see the point in arguing about things that don't matter. And that is my dilemma. It is impossible to care about something when you are raised to embrace apathy, and still feel the pressure of not wanting to fail. The paradox of the situation, is these two aspects are always fighting for footholds.